On this Father's Day I can't help but think about all the senior dads, the disabled dads, the uninsured dads, the gay dads, the dads who are teachers, the dads working three minimum wage jobs just to make ends meet, and the long-term unemployed dads who are still looking for jobs - all dads who have been hurt by the mean-spirited actions of Thom Tillis and his fellow Republicans in the North Carolina legislature.
It is with these men in mind that I have come up with the perfect Father's Day gift for our NC House Speaker.
My gift to you, Thom Tillis, is a do-it-yourself guide. You will probably want to open it and follow the instructions somewhere that grants you some privacy because the project may be a tad embarrassing and more than a little bit messy. We ask that you not give this a try in your offices at the NCGA because we own those offices and would prefer not paying for the cleanup.
Cranioanalectomy: A DIY Guide
- First, you are going to need some supplies. Pick up a painter's tarp or a shower curtain to protect the floor. You will probably want a few clean towels too and rubber gloves are always handy. Personal lubricant is optional. If you didn't use it to insert your head, you may not need it for the extraction process. I will let you be the judge. Proper tools are always important when a dad starts any project, don't you think?
- Next, disrobe. Privacy is key here. The people of North Carolina have had our fill of watching you strut and preen, but you go ahead and turn on sexy music and dance in front of the mirror if you want to...as long as we don't have to watch.
- Then, bend over. You can remain in an upright position if you like, but it will probably cause a little more discomfort. Think of this step as acting in solidarity with the North Carolinians that you have bent over a barrel far too often. It isn't fun, but now you know how we feel.
- If you haven't put on your rubber gloves, now would be the time to slide them on. Wrap your hands around your neck and start
tightening your fingerspulling. Then, in a squat position, give a big push in your nether region. Painful? Good. I was counting on that.
- Once your head is extracted, grab a towel and wipe the poo from your eyes and nasal passages. Take a deep breath. See the sunshine? Smell the fresh air? Get that sense of freedom? Good. Now you know how the people in this state will feel once we've extracted you from public office.
There. That wasn't so bad, now was it?
P.S. Thom, just a note to let you know that this was written without a hint of emotion in my voice.