Apex hick attorney won't seek re-election

When you compare Apex to Raleigh, the bastion of small town charm doesn't compete with the metropolis. Rural in many ways, Apex and other small towns in North Carolina still cling. To their insidious ideology whether from homegrown Southerners or transplants, pseudo (in many ways) Christian beliefs, small government, less taxation, astute and proud, overt and covert bigotry.......and the list goes on. Word that North Carolina Representative Paul "Sham" Stam won't be seeking re-election in 2016 reminds me of smelling honeysuckle on a beautiful spring morning. Unfortunately, the pleasantness will more than likely be short-lived. To jump start the next wannabe Stam, I've decided to provide some civic engagement free of charge. Wannabe will need a website to promote him or herself. Direct mailing and yard signs are a thing of the past. The internet is the way to people's hearts, minds and the truth. The "About me" pull down on wannabe's website will be central for focus, gathering attention and decision making.

To offer the broadest view available for the next "Sham" wannabe, I've found the perfect biographical and platform template........The Encyclopedia of Hickdom

For centuries, hick tribes had, for lack of a better word, prospered in seclusion. Alas, modern cultural homogenization, along with the gargantuan free flow of information that characterizes it, poses a very tangible threat to the peculiar hick way of life. It is our duty to preserve the homo-not-so-sapiens species and its habits by promoting hick awareness and engaging in constructive dialogue with our hick counterparts. After all, the 21st century is a century of unity.

HICKCYCLOPEDIA
Hickdom manifests itself in many forms, however, most modern hicks share some distinct physiological traits and social habits. Some widespread hick characteristics are listed below.

Habitat:

Varies.
Preference for rural areas.
Although hicks usually feel lost and disoriented in large cities, some urban centers have become true bastions of hickdom (e.g. Utah).
Porches.
Religious Views:

Vary.
Jerusalem is Jewish.
Jerusalem is Christian.
Jerusalem is Muslim.
Many paths of hickdom converge under the Creationist umbrella.
Political Views:

Conservative.
Factose intolerant.
As a rule of thumb, anyone living outside of a 100 miles radius from a hick community is evil and should not be trusted.
Non-hicks living within that radius should be impaled, if legally possible, or at the very least deported (i.e. chased with torches).
Guns.
After years of anti-terrorist hegemony in hickpolitiks, observers report a revival of anti-communism.
Sexual Orientation:

Homosexuality is a mortal sin (and as such should be practiced secretively).
Idem for premarital sex.
Inbreeding is common thereafter.
Physical Appearance:

Varies.
Physical deformations occur after continuous inbreeding.
Some hickologists believe the use of wheelchairs is inevitable after five generations of inbree

With good fortune and better understanding, North Carolinians will now have a better grip on their choices for elected representative.

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Comments

Porches provide a great view

of all the people and animals and things that deserve righteous judgment:

"That one's definitely going to hell. That one also. Did you hear that? Hellbound for sure, and so is whoever invented the bass guitar."