Breaking Blue: McCrory issues executive order outlawing pregnancy

BAT CAVE, NC - North Carolina's embattled deputy assistant governor today stepped up his fight to protect women's health in the Old North State.

"I'm tired of all these half measures," he said in a private interview in an undisclosed location. "After talking with my medical advisers about the needs of women, it's clear that banning abortion won't be enough. Our scientists say the real source of risk to women is childbirth itself. That's why I have issued an executive order making it illegal for any woman in North Carolina to get pregnant."

The bold move is similar to other executive orders issued by Mr. McCrory. Besides outlawing pregnancy, he has also declared rising sea levels and long-term unemployment to be illegal.

One organization that might have worked to undermine the new pregnancy policy is the North Carolina Family Policy Council. A spokesperson, however, said the Council is solidly behind McCrory's plan. "If you eliminate pregnancy, you eliminate the possibility of abortion, and that's what matters most."

How North Carolina will enforce the ban on pregnancy has yet to be determined, especially in light of a new bill in the General Assembly that makes any form of contraception illegal. Long-time abortion fetishist Paul Stam said sterilization may very well be the ultimate answer. "Our state has a long tradition of forced sterilization," he said. "Just think of the savings we could see. In one bold move, we can eliminate costs associated with maternal health care, pediatric medicine, birth control, and more."


Just outlaw sex. Problem solved.

No one wants abortion, or hangnail removal either, both are medical procedures your doctor can best advise you on. Our GA has determined one to be unacceptable in NC, so it will be almost unavailable to NC women, and expensive when it is available.

The prevention of unwanted pregnancy is so easy. Here's what we do. Outlaw sex, except for the purposefully planned pregnancy.

Men will understand, right? No more fun sexy time for women means no more fun sexy time for men either. That's going to be hard, but if we all agree with the GA, it is for the best, we can do it. Or not do it, as it were.

Where's Waldo?

We should definitely put together several pictures with Myers Park Pat superimposed on the scene, with some of them where he's half the size of everybody else, and some where he's much taller.

Seriously funny

That must be Thom Tillis in the bear suit.

Pat Was Always There

If you're not already familiar with IndyWeek's contribution to this one:

"What I see from the folks who are opposing our agenda is whining coming from losers." -- Thom Tillis

Seriously, he was always there!

For millions of years! Always (and still) GOING BACKWARD.

"What I see from the folks who are opposing our agenda is whining coming from losers." -- Thom Tillis