First off, I'd like to say "thank you" for the nice cards. Even if I don't possess all of the admirable traits listed therein, pulling something other than junk mail and bills out of the mailbox is a pretty sweet deal all by itself.
But while thanking you, I'd also like to take this time to make a few simple suggestions about how you can improve the "quality of life" of fathers worldwide. This is in addition to the cards. You still need to send those.
Wait 'til your father gets home.
Is this really wise? After spending an entire day working with dumbasses who are in desperate need of an ass-kicking, I'm not sure fathers are in the best "frame of mind" to have evidence and testimony presented to them with the fate of the accused hanging in the balance. Not trying to shirk any responsibilities here, I'm just sayin'.
My science project is due Monday.
How long have you known about this? Three (and a half) weeks? And here it is Saturday night? So, what are you going to make? What do we need to get? (then later) Why didn't you mention that when we were at the store?
These are all unnecessary questions, each resulting in a dozen or more grey hairs.
Some assembly required.
While your average Dad is pretty smart, he can't read Chinese, okay? And the little parts in the plastic bags look nothing like the ones on the barely comprehensible diagram. Hell, my Dad was a brilliant engineer, and he hated having to assemble stuff. I'm only two steps above being a functioning idiot, and you expect me to waltz right through this?
It may seem like a lot of money.
"Seem" like a lot of money? It is a lot of money! You know how I know? Because it's always a lot of money! This is the last time I'm doing this...
To all you other fathers out there, have a great Father's Day. :)