It seems like I’ve been running for office my whole life. I’m not really sure why, it’s just what I do. Maybe it's because of that goofy Tom Hanks movie.
For the record, I'm a Christian soldier who was born with a silver spoon in my mouth, so I’m certain I deserve all the good things I get. Jesus called me and now I’m out here doing god’s work. Gutting public schools. Discriminating against colored people. And working to change tax policy so rich guys – like me – can keep more of their hard-earned money. Forget about that camel through the eye of a needle stuff. God loves winners, and that's exactly how I came into this world.
I support president Trump 100%. I don’t care that he’s an adulterer paying off porn stars. I don’t care that he’s a psychopathic liar. Doesn’t matter how many immigrant children die, as long as we get conservatives on the Supreme Court who will stop women from having abortions. That’s what matters most to me.
By the way, I also support paying teachers more if they carry hand-guns in public schools. It's what Jesus would do, so I'm on board.
Right now, I have the cushiest job on the planet. I travel around the state getting photographed with all kinds of white people who will vote for me when I run for governor. Beyond that, I don’t do anything meaningful in any way. I could drop dead tomorrow and no one would miss me. I'm what you call dispensable.
If you need your picture taken, come see me. I’m the puffy guy trolling your neighborhood with my personal photographer. Look for a shit-eating grin and plaid sports coat. That'll be me.
Who am I?