No worries…Just in from the Bedford Falls...er...um...Pottersville Times -Picayune
Paul Ryan and Donald Trump are expected to announced that the Department of Labor will be tasked to help fulfill Trump’s promise of bringing jobs back to Appalachia and flyover states. Ryan said this move would also mitigate cuts projected for food stamps, Social Security, and safety nets for the poor, elderly, and other assorted layabouts. The Labor Dept. will be directed to construct fast food trash/packaging recycling centers throughout economically depressed areas. Once completed each wheelchair-accessible trash-sorting center will be served through an agreement with local churches to pick up the trash at nearby fast food eateries and deliver it to the centers. Local poor, elderly, disabled or ill, and anyone otherwise seeking employment will be paid $1/hour to sort the trash into paper, plastic, and waste food for further processing. Orphans will be allowed to work a 16 hour shift.
Trump spokesperson Kellyanne Conway said this arrangement will help save the environment, and workers will be allowed to lick the cheese and other food remnants off soiled food wrappers thereby helping with their nutritional needs. Children will be encouraged to accompany their parents and gather french fries and bread scraps to take home…also eliminating daycare expenses. Conway said all major fast food franchises had signed on except for Chick-Fil-A. A spokesperson for Chick-Fil-A said they were awaiting confirmation that no LBGT people would be allowed to lick the wrappers from their food waste.
Andrew Puzder, CEO of Carl’s Jr and Hardees and incoming Secretary of Labor (affectionately known by employees as “The Putz”), praised the initiative. He stated trash removal cost savings for his fast food establishments would translate into at least a $0.25/ week raise for employees and massive bonuses for executives.
Franklin Graham and other Evangelical leaders also praised the plan and pledged full cooperation in return for the promised tax-free stipend and a chance to join the Trump children on a safari to kill endangered species. The United Methodist Church, reluctant to condemn misogyny, bigotry, xenophobia, etc. from the pulpit in fear of alienating some members, has made inquiries about participation According to Garrison Keillor, Lutherans are skeptical. Other denominations have yet to comment.
Conway said ex-NC Governor Pat McCrory and Scott Walker were being considered for leadership roles in the project. She said ”They’re perfect…inept, pliable, have no scruples, and have good hair.” The North Carolina General Assembly is calling for legislation to ensure bathrooms at NC recycling sites are gender specific and monitored by Homeland Security to ensure photo ID and birth certificates are required before workers are allowed to relieve themselves. More details on funding may be forthcoming tomorrow in PE Trump’s regularly anticipated 3AM press tweet. It is rumored the funding will come from cuts to the EPA budget and the Dept. of Agriculture’s food safety inspection services.