CORN HOLE, NC - When Pat McCrory made a surprise visit to this small town today, most people thought he was simply dodging the Moral Monday protesters in Raleigh. That may be true, but the Deputy Assistant Governor also came prepared with a major policy speech and a new economic development plan called Three Points of Prosperity. According to McCrory spokesman Ima Lyre, the three points of prosperity represent unique competitive advantages North Carolina has over all other states.
Point 1. No climate change.
Last year the legislature voted to make climate change illegal in North Carolina, with a special prohibition on sea level rise. "This means businesses can come to our state and build on our shores with no fear of being washed away or flooded by rising oceans," said McCrory. "Climate change may be a scourge in other states, but it's not happening here. Not on my watch."
Point 2. The low pay state.
Harkening back to the the days when North Carolina was known as the good roads state, DAG McCrory said it was time to update our image. "We're cutting taxes on the ultra-rich for sure, but we're also wiping out the middle class," said McCrory. "Just look at teacher pay, where we've recently been ranked second - from the bottom. It won't be long before that's true in all our sectors. North Carolina is the perfect place for any business that wants to exploit workers."
Point 3. Don't give a hoot, just pollute!
Businesses that produce toxic waste and pollute the environment will find a safe haven here. "I'm proud to sign any piece of legislation that cuts environmental enforcement," said McCrory. "Whether you're producing mercury, carbon dioxide, medical waste, lead, acid rain, or just good old-fashioned trash, we want you here."
According to McCrory, the plan is already working. "We fired more than 10,000 teachers and the rest are just about ready to quit," says McCrory. "All the money we're saving is now available to bribe foreign companies to come in and take over our economy. Just think of how much electricity they'll need. That means Duke Energy will be happy, and that means they'll let me be governor again in 2016."