Cure for the Neverending Primary

The good folks at The Onion have pretty much made my day—just what I needed with the growing realization that The Neverending Primary will likely continue well past May 6th. You can read the whole story here.

WASHINGTON—After months of fevered and contentious political discourse, the U.S. populace unanimously agreed Monday that, before somebody gets upset and things get out of hand, it would be better to just stop talking about politics altogether.

Designed to reverse the trend of heated discussions on topics ranging from the Democrats' shifting stance on NAFTA to Sen. John McCain's support for the Iraq War, the nationwide change in subject is effective immediately.

The White House will not even be mentioned for at least six months.

"There's no point getting the country all riled up talking about politics, especially right before a big election like this," 43-year-old Pittsburgh resident Eric Daniels said. "With terrorism and the economy and all these other problems on our minds, nobody wants to talk about which candidate can best restore faith in America both at home and abroad."

"Baseball season just started," Daniels added. "How about them Pirates?"

Ohmygod, what will the battling O's, Olbermann and O'Reilly, do for the next six months?!

The decision by all 301,139,947 U.S. citizens to talk about something else is expected to last the more than six months leading up to the presidential election on Nov. 4. During that time, the nation has agreed to supplant all lively debates and impassioned arguments about politics with topics such as movies, music, summertime, and, in some rare cases, personal matters like family, relationships, and feelings.

Anything, Americans strongly reiterated, so long as it is not politic ...

In addition, nine out of 10 Americans polled stressed that with the dollar's poor performance and record-high gas prices, this is neither the time nor the place to be talking about politics in the first place.

"If people need to talk about Hillary Clinton's health care proposal, I hope they have the decency to let me know so I can go somewhere else first," Jacksonville, FL resident Katherine Watson, 37, said. "Or at least make the conversations more interesting. Maybe talk about Barack Obama's smile or John McCain's weird shoulder thing."

There are times (and I have to confess they're coming more frequently) when I get pretty much fed up with the political news, network and cable, and the ever-present Talking Heads giving me their interpretation of what this event or that comment really means, telling me what story is or isn't important. I turned on to hear the news, not to be told what or how to think about the news, for chrissake!

I've taken to turning them off once I've heard the basics of whatever the story is. After all, I've got my own mental health to worry about.

On second thought, it might be getting on time to follow the lead of that eminent social philosopher, John Prine. "Blow up your TV, throw away your paper, move to the country, build you a home ... plant a little garden, eat a lot of peaches, try and find Jeeesus on your own."