Dan River spill proves I'm right, says Skvarla

UPDATE SNARK ALERT: This post is satire. I apologize to folks who got caught off guard. Sorry for the confusion.

DANVILLE, VA -- With toxic sludge blanketing the river as far as the eye could see, North Carolina's environmental boss, John Skvarla, guided his showboat through the coal-ash hell that is the Dan River.

"I've never seen anything like this," he said, shaking his head in disgust. "And I'm sad to say, it only serves to prove my point. Government can't do anything right. All the regulations and inspections we have in place? They simply don't work. We need to privatize this river and let the free market do its thing. Somebody is going to get rich cleaning this mess up."

The Dan River coal-ash spill is only the latest water-quality crisis to hit North Carolina's rivers and streams. Earlier this week, a Division of Water Resources report said dozens of state waterways are impaired, including 14 in New Hanover County alone.

"When you are seeing water quality impacted, when you are seeing us not being able to fish, swim in our waterways, it's going to impact our economy, our tourism, our quality of life," said Cape Fear Riverkeeper Kemp Burdette.

"That simply goes to prove my point," said DENR Secretary Skvarla. "We've had regulations in place to protect our water for decades, and they simply haven't worked. What more evidence do we need to cut things loose and let the free market shine? Polluted rivers mean big profits for private water companies."

During his Dan River visit, Skvarla was asked about rumors of plans to privatize DENR, similar to what is happening with the Department of Commerce. "I'd be lying if I told you we weren't talking about it," he said. "We're envisioning a public-private consortium run by Duke Energy and Titan Cement. Those two companies know everything there is to know about how to degrade air and water quality, and they know exactly where there's profit to be made."

Comments

Heckuva job, Johnnie

Not.

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“Don't tell me what you value, show me your budget, and I'll tell you what you value.”
― Joe Biden

3.5 million gals. of raw sewage in Haw River

So many dangerous spills

Forgot about this one, right here in my own back yard.

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“Don't tell me what you value, show me your budget, and I'll tell you what you value.”
― Joe Biden

Who is the customer our

Who is the customer our governor wants to 'serve,' the citizens or the corporations??

Of course we know

the answer.

He's obedient to Pope Art I and ALEC. Those would be corporate interests. And Pat is a corporate tool. Does anyone remember who paid his salary for many years?

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"What I see from the folks who are opposing our agenda is whining coming from losers." -- Thom Tillis

This one is not satire

but it sure seems like it could be. From WRAL on Twitter:

Incredible! Mind-blowing on many levels.

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"What I see from the folks who are opposing our agenda is whining coming from losers." -- Thom Tillis

By the way

this was a brilliant post, James. I'll be watching for the follow-up ("Area man puzzled by Skvarla's coal ash spill comments")

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"What I see from the folks who are opposing our agenda is whining coming from losers." -- Thom Tillis

Water samples

DENR tells us that they have preliminary results on the water tests near the coal ash spill.

Skvarla reassures us that "most" of the samples did not exhibit metal levels above the state's danger thresholds.

Shortly after it was questioned on Twitter whether that means that some samples *DO* show violations, a sudden "server error" occurred on DENR 'S servers. No data, no article.

Shades of Rosemary Woods? (Google her if you're too young to remember).

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"What I see from the folks who are opposing our agenda is whining coming from losers." -- Thom Tillis