Ending Domestic Violence. One Family at a Time.

Dispatch called earlier so I was expecting them. It was after midnight when they knocked on the door. The seven of them, standing there with nothing except a small suitcase between them. The youngest, leaning into mom, clearly just awakened from his sleep in the patrol car. The oldest boys were bickering and the little girl was barefooted. They were dirty and tired and scared but I could see relief in mom’s face. This was at least a break for her, a chance to breathe and make a plan. I brought them in, offered them food, drinks, and helped mom get her children all tucked into bed before I started the paperwork that would tell me how we ended up together on this hot, hot night in July. The officer left, promising to keep a watchful eye.

We talked and I wondered if she was worried if I was judging her. I wasn't; I was nervous, worried about her and procrastinating doing the intake. It’s never easy, a stranger- me- asking so many questions, taking notes. I learned quickly that it’s just best to listen and let the conversation fill in the blanks. And that’s what I did that night. I listened as her anger fell to whispers, her sobs pausing in moments of silence.

Her story filled the room.

I had seen hundreds of women before I met “Mary” and her children that night at the shelter. Hundreds of different women sitting across from me in that same chair that Mary was now sinking into, all with a past, present and future rooted in common experience. Mary was different though. She traveled farther and she may have to keep moving. She came here out of state; a refugee, on the run from her husband who had already found her and the children at her sister’s and fired shots into the house.

She wasn’t going back. She was done. This family, broken and scarred in spirit and body started over here, teaching everyone they met something about survival, strength, perseverance and love.

Thanks to the power of our community we were able to embrace Mary and her young family, providing her with the tools to put her life back together the best that she could. We supported her through the divorce, the daily individual and family therapy, the court appearances; we helped her find housing, a job, a car.

It was hard for her. It is still hard for her. It will always be hard for her and the children, the silent witnesses. The violence they observed and endured for so many years of their young lives had a grave impact on their fragile egos, framing their lives and instilling a dark and sad view of the world.

The thing about "Mary" is that she is everywhere-- she is your neighbor, your co-worker, the chic at the drive through, your favorite bank teller, the woman you always pass on your way to work, she is someone's daughter, sister, mother. I deeply believe that we have a very unique responsibility to do everything that we can to stop domestic violence-- to build strong communities that make it very clear that abuse is not acceptable.

The fact is that on average, women will leave an abuser seven times before leaving for good. Too many are murdered before that happens. According to the Family Violence Prevention Fund nearly one-third of all women murdered in the United States in recent years were murdered by a current or former intimate partner. In 2007 the North Carolina Coalition Against Domestic Violence reported that there were 83 domestic violence homicides within our state. In 2006: 79; 2005: 71; 2004: 81; 2003: 72; 2002: 79.

This year there have been 33.

1. Date of Murder: January 1, 2008
Victim Name: Irene Mildred McGee Pearson, 79
Alleged Perpetrator: Chad Eric Pearson, 31
Relationship: Grandson
Town: Lenoir County: Caldwell
Weapon: Gun

2. Date of Murder: January 3, 2008
Victim Name: Marisha Jeter, 16
Alleged Perpetrator Name(s): Pernell Thompson, 20; Yolanda Thompson, 19
Relationship: Boyfriend of victim and his wife
Town: Wingate County: Union
Weapon: Knife

3. Date of Murder: January 4, 2008 Murder/ Suicide
Victim Name: Sarah Elizabeth Higgins, 9
Alleged Perpetrator: Christa Higgins Chidester, 34
Relationship: Mother
Town: Weddington County: Union
Weapon: suffocation

4. Date of Murder: January 11, 2008
Victim Name: Dorothy Marion, 72
Alleged Perpetrator Name: Stanley McCormick, 49
Relationship: son
Town: Ararat County: Surry
Weapon: gun

5. Date of Murder: January 15, 2008 Murder/ Suicide
Victim Name: Julia Elizabeth Rufty Johnson, 49
Alleged Perpetrator Name: Rodney Keith Johnson, 49
Relationship: Estranged Husband
Town: Stony Point County: Alexander
Weapon: Shotgun

6. Date of Murder: January 16, 2008
Victim Name: James Stanley-Dewayne Whisenant, 42
Alleged Perpetrator: Diane Melinda Whisenant, 35
Relationship: wife
Town: Connelly Springs County: Burke
Weapon: Strangulation

7. Victim Name: Vanlata Patel, 57
Alleged Perpetrator: Harish Patel, 60
Relationship: Estranged Husband
Town: Cary County: Wake
Weapon: Unknown

8. Date of Murder: January 18, 2008 Multiple Murder
Victim Name: Vicki Lynn Lowery, 42
Alleged Perpetrator: Stephen Monroe Buckner, 60
Relationship: boyfriend
Town: Nebo County: McDowell
Weapon: gun

9. Date of Murder: January 18, 2007 Multiple Murder
Victim Name: Chelsea Nichole Gregory, 14
Alleged Perpetrator: Stephen Monroe Buckner, 50
Relationship: mother’s boyfriend
Town: Nebo County: McDowell
Weapon: gun

10. Date of Murder: January 18, 2008 Multiple Murder
Victim Name: Rebecca Rose Buckner, 25
Alleged Perpetrator: Stephen Monroe Buckner, 50
Relationship: father
Town: Nebo County: McDowell
Weapon: gun

11. Date of Murder: January 21, 2008 Murder/ Suicide
Victim Name: Betty Hinson, 78
Perpetrator: male, Larry Hinson, 60
Relationship: son
Town: Belmont County: Mecklenburg
Weapon: gun

12. Date of Murder: January 28, 2008
Victim Name: James Kenneth Imonti, 59
Alleged Perpetrator Name: Garland Mcray King, 65
Relationship: Father-in-law
Town: Carrboro County: Orange
Weapon: gun

13. Date of Murder: February 1, 2008
Victim Name: Simrit Gill, 20
Alleged Perpetrator Name: Amandeep Brar, 24
Relationship: Husband
Town: Charlotte County: Mecklenburg
Weapon: unknown

14. Date of Murder: February 12, 2008
Victim Name: Marshall Brown, 51
Alleged Perpetrator Name: William Albert Stroud, 27
Relationship: stepson
Town: Chapel Hill County: Orange
Weapon: gun

15. Date of Murder: February 13, 2008 (Bodies found February 27, 2008)
Victim Name: Tina Freeman, 31 Murder/Suicide
Alleged Perpetrator Name: Robert Franklin, 40
Relationship: Estranged Husband
Town: Shelby County: Cleveland
Weapon: gun

16. Date of Murder: February 16, 2008 Murder/ Suicide
Victim Name: Rosalind Yolanda Griffin, 39
Perpetrator Name: Willie Cornell Griffin, 49
Relationship: Estranged Husband
Town: Sanford County: Lee
Weapon: gun

17. Date of Murder: February 26, 2008
Victim Name: Thurman “Tink” Ray Hudson
Perpetrator Name: Darrell Buchanan, 47
Relationship: Girlfriend’s ex husband
Town: Jonas Ridge County: Burke
Weapon: gun

18. Date of Murder: March 3, 2008
Victim Name: Linda Shaw Thomas, 47
Alleged Perpetrator Name: Allen Thomas, 51
Relationship: Estranged Husband
Town: Raeford County: Hoke
Weapon: Knife

19. Date of Murder: March 4, 2008
Victim Name: Debra Marie Laney, 23
Alleged Perpetrator Name: Vernon Albert Closser IV, 49
Relationship: Boyfriend
Town: Monroe County: Union
Weapon

20. Date of Murder: March 28, 2008
Victim Name: Nezzie Carter-Moore, 84
Alleged Perpetrator Name: Warren Haywood Moore, 85
Relationship: Husband
Town: Durham County: Durham
Weapon: Gun

21. Date of Murder: March 30, 2008
Victim Name: Skye Moniqua Lee, 18
Alleged Perpetrator Name: Cory Jiggets, 19
Relationship: Estranged Boyfriend
Town: Durham County: Durham
Weapon: Gun

22. Date of Murder: April 5, 2008
Victim: Cassandra Parker, 44
Alleged Perpetrator: Dewayne Thomas Warren, 44
Relationship: Boyfriend
Town: Greensboro County: Guilford
Weapon: Unknown

23. Date of Murder: April 6, 2008
Victim Name: Lao Vang, 22
Alleged Perpetrator Name: Fong Kong Yang, 21
Relationship: Estranged Boyfriend
Town: Conover County: Caldwell
Weapon: Butcher Knife

24. Date of Murder: April 12, 2008 Murder/ Suicide
Victim Name: Itzia Larazet Patino Alvarez, 27
Perpetrator Name: Gabriel Gallegos Martinez, 28
Relationship: Ex-Boyfriend
Town: Asheville County: Buncombe
Weapon: Gun

25. Date of Murder: April 17, 2008
Victim Name: Nellie Jane Pruitt, 50
Perpetrator Name: Warren Evert Marshall, 62
Relationship: Estranged Boyfriend
Town: Elkin County: Surry
Weapon: .22 caliber pistol

26. Date of Murder: April 23, 2008
Victim Name: Donna Jean Sanford Lewis, 42
Perpetrator Name: Brian Kevin Lewis, 45
Relationship: Husband
Town: Pisgah Highway County: Buncombe
Weapon: Pistol

27. Date of Murder: April 29, 2008
Victim Name: Cherquito (Cher Quita) McDonald, 28
Perpetrator Name: Jonathan Dion Melvin, 30
Relationship: Ex-Boyfriend
Town: Raeford County: Hoke
Weapon: Gun

28. Date of Murder: May 4, 2008 Murder/ Suicide
Victim Name: Ryan Alexander Sherland, 9
Perpetrator Name: Amanda Sherland, 41
Relationship: Mother
Town: Indian Trail County: Union
Weapon: 9mm Handgun

29. Date of Murder: May 4, 2008 Murder/ Suicide
Victim Name: Alyssa Nicole Sherland, 7
Perpetrator Name: Amanda Sherland, 41
Relationship: Mother
Town: Indian Trail County: Union
Weapon: 9mm Handgun

30. Date of Murder: May 4, 2008 Murder/ Suicide
Victim: Angela West Holland, 43
Alleged Perpetrator: Laymon Lavern Conner Jr., 29
Relationship: Boyfriend
Town: High Point County: Guilford
Weapon: Gun

31. Date of Murder: May 9, 2008 Murder/ Suicide
Victim Name: Danasha Sanders, 25
Perpetrator Name: Benjamin Wallace, 27
Relationship: Boyfriend
Town: Charlotte County: Mecklenburg
Weapon: Gun

32. Date of Murder: May 9, 2008 Murder/ Suicide
Victim Name: Gerald Keith Lakey, 32
Perpetrator Name: Barney Adrian Dunlap, 46
Relationship: Girlfriend’s Estranged Husband
Town: Lenoir County: Caldwell
Weapon: 12 Gauge Shotgun

33. Date of Murder: May 10, 2008 Murder/ Suicide
Victim Name: Roslyn Fox Dunlap, 45
Perpetrator Name: Barney Adrian Dunlap, 46
Relationship: Estranged Husband
Town: Lenoir County: Caldwell
Weapon: 12 Gauge Shotgun

34. Date of Murder: May 10, 2008 Murder/ Suicide
Victim Name: Roslyn Fox Dunlap, 45
Perpetrator Name: Barney Adrian Dunlap, 46
Relationship: Estranged Husband
Town: Lenoir County: Caldwell
Weapon: 12 Gauge Shotgun

35. Date of Murder: May 18, 2008
Victim Name: Chasdadi Michelle Stroud, 32
Perpetrator Name: Robert Lee Byrd, 42
Relationship: Former Boyfriend
Town: Cooleemee County: Davie
Weapon: Knife

36. Date of Murder: May 29, 2008 Murder/ Suicide
Victim Name: Dorothy Shiner Phillips, 49
Perpetrator Name: Leonard Woodies, 45
Relationship: Boyfriend
Town: Burlington County: Alamance
Weapon: Single Barrel Shotgun

37. Date of Murder: May 23, 2008 Murder/ Suicide
Victim Name: Carrie Ann Clark, 38
Perpetrator Name: Boyd Douglas Clark, 43
Relationship: Husband
Town: Hiddenite County: Alexander
Weapon: Gun

38. Date of Murder: June 4, 2008 Murder/ Suicide
Victim Name: Elizabeth Williams Norman, 37
Perpetrator Name: Kevin Franklin Norman, 36
Relationship: Husband
Town: Charlotte County: Lincoln
Weapon: Gun

Weapon of Choice
28 guns, 4 knives, 3 unreported, 1 strangulation, 1 suffocation

I strongly believe that communities have the power, and responsibility, to work as a united front, proactively creating and maintaining programs and policy that prevent, and eliminate a culture of violence so things like THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS OR THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS OR THIS THIS THIS AND THIS don't happen.

I set out writing this post about gun violence, about why we need to keep guns from people like Mary’s husband. I ended up writing about "Mary" because her story needs to be told and because I believe that the political action we need to end family violence will come out of stories like Mary's that teach us what is wrong, and what is right, with what we are doing to build stronger and safer families and communities.

"The Roots of Violence: Wealth without work, Pleasure without conscience, Knowledge without character, Commerce without morality, Science without humanity, Worship without sacrifice, Politics without principles”- Mahatma Gandhi