Reduced Circumstances

I've been having some really dark thoughts about the approaching apocalypse. Some of these thoughts are in fact so dark as to scare me. Shall I tell you one?

The first big conclusion I came to when thinking this through is that most of the men will be useless and in the way. Hell, too many are now. And when you get right down to it, they're responsible for the situation we're in, anyway.

Women are our hope. Fortunately, that includes me 'cause, by and large, I do what women tell me and don't expect that to change.

While Mr. Wonderful begins his new life as a day trader and fritters away the rest of the family resources, tell him it's time to paint the living room and buy a big bag of potatoes. Cover the room to be painted in plastic. Prepare the most wonderful potato dish you can imagine. Put your heart into it; you'll be glad later.

Serve Mr. Wonderful all the beer he can drink as he spends the day painting. That night, make him a great dinner featuring those potatoes. Shortly thereafter, Mr. Wonderful will be looking for a place to sit. Make sure a recliner awaits. Put it right in front of the TV.

Once Mr. Wonderful is asleep, place a towel over his head and bash in his brains with a baseball bat. You've fantasized about it for years. Sister, I'm gonna make this work for you.

I'm not saying do it next week. Give the Great Unpleasantness a chance to kick in. In no time, all municipal functions will cease and there will be no one to care.

Africans of old who dined on each other referred to it as "long pig." (Pause for hysterical laughter at coincidence.) If properly prepared, I am indistinguishable from good BBQ. Why waste all that gorgeous protein? Instead of digging a big hole, have a party. Yes, one guy will be missing, but only in spirit. Get out the calculator and do the math. Do you know what pork chops are selling for? Why, Mr. Wonderful is a freezer full of excellent cuts.

BTW, did I mention the grocery stores will close? They operate on 2% profit now. But you'll figure something out. In no time, you and the girls can have your neighborhood in ship shape to weather the storm.

Oh yeah, the electrical grid will fail and currency deflation will render it useless. Think Cold Mountain and Mad Max. I throw in a little Blade Runner for flavor.

While there's time, you might wanna start stocking up on canned goods. And while Mr. Wonderful is still on the hoof, get him to build you a smokehouse. Look at it as the ultimate humiliation. You'll enjoy it. Then, take your leftovers from the BBQ, salt'em down and hang'em up. I suspect as things go along, you'll be able to take Mr. Wonderful to someone else for preparation. That's the great thing about the New Economy. Any woman who has really good reasons to hate men can become a butcher. Business will be booming.

Also, before it becomes open season on hubbies, get yourself a deer rifle and a shotgun. You'll like the 12 gauge for close work, but nothing says loving like a long shot behind the ear. And a bow saw. I bought a beautiful Martha Stewart bow saw at KMart for the Wife. Sometimes she gives me that look and I know my time is short. I hope I don't disappoint.