UPDATE SNARK ALERT: This post is satire. I apologize to folks who got caught off guard. Sorry for the confusion.
DANVILLE, VA -- With toxic sludge blanketing the river as far as the eye could see, North Carolina's environmental boss, John Skvarla, guided his showboat through the coal-ash hell that is the Dan River.
"I've never seen anything like this," he said, shaking his head in disgust. "And I'm sad to say, it only serves to prove my point. Government can't do anything right. All the regulations and inspections we have in place? They simply don't work. We need to privatize this river and let the free market do its thing. Somebody is going to get rich cleaning this mess up."
BAT CAVE, NC - North Carolina's embattled deputy assistant governor today stepped up his fight to protect women's health in the Old North State.
"I'm tired of all these half measures," he said in a private interview in an undisclosed location. "After talking with my medical advisers about the needs of women, it's clear that banning abortion won't be enough. Our scientists say the real source of risk to women is childbirth itself. That's why I have issued an executive order making it illegal for any woman in North Carolina to get pregnant."
The bold move is similar to other executive orders issued by Mr. McCrory. Besides outlawing pregnancy, he has also declared rising sea levels and long-term unemployment to be illegal.
One organization that might have worked to undermine the new pregnancy policy is the North Carolina Family Policy Council. A spokesperson, however, said the Council is solidly behind McCrory's plan. "If you eliminate pregnancy, you eliminate the possibility of abortion, and that's what matters most."
CORN HOLE, NC - When Pat McCrory made a surprise visit to this small town today, most people thought he was simply dodging the Moral Monday protesters in Raleigh. That may be true, but the Deputy Assistant Governor also came prepared with a major policy speech and a new economic development plan called Three Points of Prosperity. According to McCrory spokesman Ima Lyre, the three points of prosperity represent unique competitive advantages North Carolina has over all other states.
Point 1. No climate change.
Last year the legislature voted to make climate change illegal in North Carolina, with a special prohibition on sea level rise. "This means businesses can come to our state and build on our shores with no fear of being washed away or flooded by rising oceans," said McCrory. "Climate change may be a scourge in other states, but it's not happening here. Not on my watch."
EMERALD ISLE - In an impromptu press conference on this sunny beach, Deputy Assistant Governor Pat McCrory today discounted news of an alarming spike in greenhouse gases in the atmosphere. With CO2 reaching concentrations not seen in millions of years, policy makers in many states are alarmed about potential impacts such as rising sea level.
"We're fortunate here in North Carolina," said McCrory. "Last year we took the prudent step of making it illegal for sea levels to rise. The same applies to CO2. We've also prohibited North Carolina planners from using data coming from other states or from the federal government. Have no fear. We are safe."
When a local marina operator told McCrory that his business would soon be underwater, McCrory mistakenly assumed the company was going bankrupt. "No sir," said Buddy Lee of Morehead City. "I'm talking about actually seeing my buildings and facilities taken over by the rising ocean."
"That cain't be happening," said McCrory. "Tell that damn ocean it is illegal to rise here in North Carolina. And if it doesn't listen, I'll send down the National Guard to arrest the son of a bitch."
Submitted by Martha Brock on Fri, 05/10/2013 - 2:18pm
Stephen Colbert declared himself a North Carolina native this week during a segment on "The Colbert Report" in which he discussed his sister, Elizabeth Colbert Busch, losing a congressional election in his home state of South Carolina to former disgraced South Carolina governor Mark Sanford.
The angry Colbert said he felt betrayed by his home state and would turn his back on it. "From now on," he said. "And I never thought I'd say this, I am from North Carolina. No, I have to -- I have to! I'm a Tar Heel now! Whatever the f*#$ that means."
Colbert then went on to profess his love for the state bird, the cardinal (after consulting an Almanac to get the bird's name right). "That's a stupid bird," he said. "But it's mine now."
WILMINGTON, NC - Taking their cue from secessionist proposals made by Republican members of the General Assembly last week, more than a hundred North Carolina mayors declared their cities will not comply with any GOP legislation that attempts to suppress voting.
In an open letter to Deputy Assistant Governor Pat McCrory, the mayors announced their intention to disregard any new restrictions:
"Too many bills coming out of Raleigh are designed to make it harder and less convenient for people to vote," said the letter. "If you don't veto those bills, be forewarned that we will consider your signature an unconstitutional act, and will absolutely refuse to comply with the new laws."
RALEIGH, NC - Tired of having to work so hard to drag North Carolina back to the stone age, Republican leaders in Raleigh today are considering new legislation that would make their job a lot easier. Emboldened by their success in breaking the state's contract for leasing the Dix property, as well as DAG McCrory's successful raid on the coffers of the Golden Leaf Foundation, the new GOP plan calls for a sweeping repeal of any legislation not passed during the current legislative session.
"We were originally focused on the Voting Rights Act," says Senator Andrew Brock, "with a tightly worded rebuke of that entire body of legislation. But then I thought, 'What the hell? Why not throw everything out!'"
Mirroring a proposal now making its way through the Iowa legislature, Stam says his bill will finally put women in their place. "The Bible says women are good for one thing and one thing only. Breeding," said Stam. "That's why my bill is identical to the one introduced by my friend Rob Bacon, a devout conservative Christian serving God in the Corn Hole State.
CORNELIUS, NC - People hoping to strike it rich by winning the NC Education Lottery have less than 11 months before their luck runs out. That's according to an early morning Tweet by Republican Speaker of the House, Thom Tillis, who later confirmed his plan to end the controversial program on December 31, 2013.
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