How exactly did we end up with John McCain picking Sarah Palin, Governor of Alaska? Luckily, the Stinging Nettle had John McCain's phone bugged, and here's what we found out.
11:01 PM THU - McCain - "Jim. Get me Romney."
UNIDENTIFIED MALE ("Jim") - "Yes Senator..... here you go sir."
McCain - "What?"
Jim - "The phone sir. You asked me to get Governor Romney on the phone."
McCain - "Oh. Thanks. Hello, George?"
Mitt Romney - "Um . . . well, John, it's Mitt. George was my dad."
McCain - "Eh?"
Mitt Romney - "I SAID GEORGE WAS MY DAD. YOU'RE TALKING TO MITT ROMNEY, FORMER GOVERNOR OF MASSACHUSETTS."
McCain - "It's my birthday, you know. I was a POW."
Romney - "Yes Senator. I know. Wonderful life story, sir."
McCain - "Well, George..."
Romney - "Mitt."
McCain - "Yes. George, I want you to be my Vice President."
Romney - "Are you kidding me? You don't even know my name. No thank you. I'll run in 2012."
McCain - "2012? I'll be 76, I'm not running in 2012. I won't need a VP then."
Romney - "Goodnight Senator."
McCain - "G'night, George."
11:10 PM THURSDAY - McCain - "Jim, get me Pawlenty."
Jim - "Yes Senator. . . . here you go sir."
McCain - "Eh?"
Jim - "The phone sir. It's Governor Pawlenty."
McCain - "Plenty of what?"
Jim - "No sir, PAWlenty."
McCain - "Isn't that that hard yellow stuff they serve next to chicken at hotels?"
Jim - "Oh for crying . . . no Senator, IT IS GOVERNOR PAWLENTY OF MINNESOTA ON THE PHONE FOR YOU."
McCain - "Oh.. yes, yes. hello?"
GOVERNOR PAWLENTY - "Yes. Hello?"
McCain - "Why did you call me, kid?
Pawlenty - "You called me, Senator. How are you."
McCain - "I'm fine. It's my birthday. I'm 72. I was a POW."
Pawlenty - "Yes, Senator. Remarkable personal story. What can I do for you sir, three bridges just fell down in Minnesota since I got on this call."
McCain - "Um. Why did I call you? oh yeah. Like you to be my Veep. Good for your career, young pup like you, to spend some time with me in the White House. Whaddya say. You remind me of a young Lieutenant I served with back in 'Nam. Did I tell you I was a POW?"
Pawlenty - "Yessir, you did, Senator. You want me to be Vice President?"
McCain - "Why the hell not?"
Pawlenty - "Did you just see that speech? No thank you. No way I'm going in there against Biden after that speech. Thank you sir, but I'll sit this one out."
McCain - "OK. Well, good thing your name is Pawlenty. Yer yellow and you go well with chicken."
11:20 THURSDAY - McCain - "Jim"
jim - "Yes, Senator?"
McCain - "Get me Lieberman. No, screw that. He talks like Droopy Dog, and he'd probably poison me. Get me Schwarzenegger."
Jim - "Yes, Senator. Um. . . Senator?"
McCain - "What?"
Jim - "Arnold Schwarzenegger can't be Vice President."
McCain - "Who the hell said I wanted him to be Vice President? I need to get buff for the ladies. Cindy's looking a little tired these days. I need a good looking younger beer heiress to replace my good looking middle aged one."
Jim - "Probably not the time to do that, Senator. You have to announce your VP selection tomorrow. You need someone to announce."
McCain - "OK. Well, get me Jindal."
Jim - "Yes senator. He's a good man."
McCain - "Who?"
Jim - "Gov. Jindal. Here he is."
GOVERNOR JINDAL (R-LA) - "Can't talk now, old man. Louisiana is about to blow away again, and it's my turn to shine as a leader. Have a good convention. I'll give you a spot to speak in 2012."
McCain - "But...."
Jindal - "Sorry old chap. Must be going. Here's my cousin Deepak."
McCain - "Hello?"
Deepak - "Yes?"
McCain - "Oh for crying out loud. I spoke to you when my phone wouldn't work right."
Deepak - "yes, Senator. Did you remember to put the battery in this time?"
McCain - "Huh?"
Deepak - "Good bye sir. Have a nice night."
11:30 PM THURSDAY - McCain - "Well, hell. Who do we have left? Ridge?"
Jim - "He's pro choice. Forget it."
McCain - "I'm tired, and my teeth hurt. And my sciatica is acting up. Let's get SOMEbody so's I can go to bed. How about Charlie Crist in Florida. Good man"
Jim - "Um. Sir? [UNINTELLIGIBLE WHISPERING ON TAPE]"
McCain - "He IS? Holy CRAP! I had no idea! We used to throw those guys off the ship. Did I tell you I was a POW? Knew a guy like that once while I was in 'Nam. Sometimes you never can tell. Well damn. Whodathunkit?"
Jim - "Pretty much everyone sir. He is a Florida Republican after all."
McCain - "Well ya got a point th..... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, snork."
Jim - "Wake up Senator."
McCain - "Eh?? Oh. yeah. VP. I don't care. Pick someone. I'm gonna lose anyway. I mean, did you SEE that stadium? Holy crap."
Jim - "How about Sarah Palin?"
McCain - "Who the crap is Sarah Palin? She played Roseanne's daughter right?
Jim - "Wha? No sir. That would be Sara Gilbert, sir."
McCain - "Oh. Well. Is she cute?"
Jim - "Yep."
McCain - "Call her."
GOVERNOR SARAH PALIN - "Hello?"
McCain - "Little lady, it's John McCain."
Palin - "Oh my god. Are you KIDDING me?"
McCain - "How would you like to be Vice President."
Palin - "OMG - YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
And there you have it.